SarahBear reviews the latest installment of the Star Trek series.

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What a crazy time these last two weeks have been.  For those of you who don’t know, last week was the 2nd Annual Lubbock Comic Book Expo.  It was a raging success thanks to the Lubbock Arts Festival being downstairs.  We had twice as many people this year, and we really couldn’t have done as well in foot traffic on our own.  Thanks to everybody who came out visited with us.  Even if you were just there to snag the Free Comic Book Day stuff – you made our weekend. 
 
As for this weekend, I worked a 16 1/2 hour day yesterday, took my baby boys to get haircuts at Sports Cuts and then celebrated the victory of Lubbock Voters in making our city “wet”.  For those of you who don’t know – Lubbock, TX is/was the largest “dry” county in the country.  Those of you who wanted to purchase alcohol had to drive out of the city limits to a stretch of Vegas-esque stores called, collectively, The Strip.  It has been a pain in the ass and a bit of an embarrassment for all my life.  Lubbock voters have tried to get this put on the ballot before, and for one reason or another it never made it very far.  But finally Lubbock has seen the light and agreed to allow alcohol within the city limits.  This is an historic day for Lubbock. Thank you, Lubbock Voters!
 
Now – on to the comics!
 
CEREBUS ARCHIVES 1 – Fans of Dave Sim’s glamourpuss and/or CEREBUS, will probably want to pick this up.  Sim uses the format used to such magnificent effect on glamourpuss to explore his own personal archival material from his career pre-, and one assumes post-, CEREBUS.  It is a much more eloquent personal and fun book than the previous post-Cerebus book FOLLOWING CEREBUS, which he collaborated on with the WRAPPED IN PLASTIC fanzine guys, and yet this first issue isn’t nearly as much fun as glamourpuss is for some reason. GOOD STUFF.

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Hey everyone!  Don’t forget that Saturday, May 2nd, is the 2nd Annual Comic Book Expo.  We’ll be on the 2nd floor of the Lubbock Memorial Civic Center during the Lubbock Arts Festival.  It is also Free Comic Book Day, a national holiday/event sponsored by finer funny book peddlers across the country.  I, and the whole Metropolis crew, will be in attendance.  You can come argue with me about my reviews at the STAR COMICS table.  Just look for handsome bastard who looks like he could kick everybody else at the STAR table’s asses.
 
We hope to see you there!  Now – On to the comics! 
 
BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD 4 – You have not lived until you’ve seen Sugar & Spike team-up with Batman against Felix Faust.  Why couldn’t this have been the main story instead of the four page lead-in? I guess we’ll take what we can get.  If that isn’t FANBOY FUN, I don’t know what is!

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Not much to note this week.  I finished off RESIDENT EVIL 5 and started in on RAINBOW SIX: VEGAS.  I don’t like Tom Clancy books, but for some reason the RAINBOW SIX game series just meets all the requirements I have for a great action series. Along with RESIDENT EVIL it is one of the few game series I’ve followed across every platform.  So…I’ve played almost all of them, and have enjoyed every one, but by God this VEGAS (part 1) is freaking awesome!!  Seriously.  You’re all lucky I managed to read and post reviews this week, cause I didn’t want to put the controller down.  I almost cried when I saw that shot of the Vegas Strip for the first time.  **sniffle** 
 
Now – on to the comics!!!
 
EUREKA 4 – The main selling point for this book, based on the Sci-Fi television show, is that writer Andrew Cosby is the creator of the show. The characters voices are all genuine and spot on, as a result, and the plot line is believable within the confines of the reality of the show.  This mini-series would have actually a pretty decent episode.  A soldier killed in Afghanistan was resurrected, thanks to some unscrupulous scientist, and turned into a killing machine. I can’t really complain. Like I said – all the voices were “true”, the plot worked, the art was decent, etc. etc. In the end it was nice fun diversionary fluff – just like the TV show.  GOOD STUFF.

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Sorry I’ve been offline for a little bit longer than I originally intended.  I had planned to resume my regular reviewing duties last week, but a massive seventeen book week curtailed my plans.  Faced with reviewing such a huge stack – I opted to blow it off.  Bad blogger!  Anywho, this week I had reasonable stack (still on the large side), but guilt over my neglect has caused me to step up and be a man….er, fanboy, that my Momma would be proud of.  I trust everyone is having a good Easter weekend.  If it isn’t too late, and you don’t have anything to do, might I suggest you rent a little flick called MY NAME IS BRUCE? 

MY NAME IS BRUCE stars legendary B-list celebrity Bruce Campbell (EVIL DEAD trilogy, BURN NOTICE, Sam Raimi’s go-to guy, etc.) in his first directorial effort.  It follows the pattern established by THREE AMIGOS and GALAXY QUEST of a character actor mistaken for the character he plays on screen played out to hilarious effect.  Campbell portrays himself as a washed-up drunken lout brought into the town of Gold Lick to fight the resurrected Chinese God of War and Protector of Bean Curd, Guan-Di.  It’s a very tongue-in-cheek satirical skewering worthy of the man who wrote the book on hammy scenery chewing.  You’ll love it! 
 
Now – on to the comics!

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Sorry I’ve been away for awhile.  Life catches up with you sometimes and kicks you with a four inch heel to the groin.  His ways are a mystery, I tell ya!
 
—BATTLE FOR THE COWL: SPECIAL EDITION—

 
BATTLE FOR THE COWL 1 (of 3) – I didn’t entirely hate this.  Color me surprised, but my fanboy sensibilities weren’t as insulted as I thought they would be.  I still don’t understand DC’s decision for handing such an important event book over to the guy who used to write THE TENTH, but I have to admit – it wasn’t entirely all bad.  Read more…

During the shenanigans of the STAPLE! trip we made a pit stop at the Alamo Drafthouse to see WATCHMEN.

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WOMBAT I WANT MY SARAH PALIN SEX DOLL BACK YOU BASTARD!

that is all.

—————————————————————–
THE NIGHT BEFORE TODDMAS
By Jason Rhode

Twas the night before Toddmas (even for Xorn)
Metropolis Manor was unbothered by Ms. Tentacle Porn
The hosts were asleep as if slapped by Hank Pym,
Dreaming of crossovers not named “House of M.”

Their longboxes and stockings were prepped for arrival
In hopes that St. Apocalypse would deem ‘em fit for survival
While me and Cerebra and a Professor named Zoom
Were drugged and so snug in our deep Black Bug Room

But an alarm was sounded by our team’s newest rookie,
Was Juggernaut attacking for some milk and/or cookie?
On the viewscreen above flashed a blood-curdling red,
Well we all knew: no comics bastard stays dead!

The sound that I then heard was the displacement of matter,
“Teleporters!” I thought. “My head’s on a platter.”
Metropolis ran like the Flash (don’t think our team’s Mundy)
To the window to see: was it Solomon Grundy?

“It’s lasertime, bitches!” yelled Blake “Wombat” Porter
“Pew pew” went the cannons defending our border
“No luck” said Padawan, stepping out from the shade
“The intruder’s also defeated Colin’s drunk penguin brigade.”

Then: “Samuroid! Samuroid batch 23!”
The utter joy in the voice belonged to One True J.P.
But they’d been destroyed too. And our drop koala cabal?
Out of species hatred TEH Wombat had poisoned ‘em all.

“Yes. Father. I shall become a bat” — so spake the Chief
But nobody paid attention to that dialogue thief
“It’s time I used The Word,” said Marcus, eyes glowing red
Yet the figure onscreen heeded not a word that Parks said

“You’ve overlooked something,” said the One True J.P.
“My god,” said the group, quite horrified, “Bees!”
But it wasn’t a swarm that flew over the ridge
Though it shocked us all like girlfriends stuffed in the fridge

Oh, the moon and the snow were whiter than Beck
Began I to wonder if they’d used Shi’ar tech
Then it appeared! The Met-Computer tells us no fibs:
A Transdimensional Carrier drawn by nine Guthrie sibs!

Discharging energy blasts, and more hairy than Grodd,
I saw that its pilot ’twas the being they call “Todd”
More darting than Smeagols his flamin’ muties, they came,
It was the whole Guthrie family! He called ‘em by name!

“Now Sammy! now, Paige! now, ‘Lizbeth and Jebediah!
On, Joelle! On, Josh! on Lucas, Lucinda and Maya!
To the top of the Blackbird! Now breach the Source wall!
Now dash away! Dazzler say: Dash away all!”

As continuity shatters when a new writer’s aboard
Or characters turn necks like the late Maxwell Lord
So the Guthries manuevered — how quickly they flew!
With the sleigh full of fanboy joy, and Prof. Todd too.

Roof tiles began snapping like the neck of Gwen Stacy
He’d landed above — our hearts, they grew racey.
He bamfed down in our den, and snarled with a glare:
“The last time we inspired anyone was when we were off the air!”

Could this be the wizard of legend and fable?
He shook when he laughed as do molecules unstable.
He barked out commands like he was a New God:
“NOW ALL SONS OF JOR-EL MUST KNEEL BEFORE TODD!”

Boasting of great victories o’er one Human Bomb
Invoking the strength of some god he called “Krom.”
Everything about this flatscan said he was money
His voice was like gravel poured over with honey.

On his finger was a ring that was powered by will,
I knew that the First Law might let him kill
He wore a necklace of teeth, all pryed from dead foes
Who’d forgotten his training with one Hunter Rose

Said he: “I’ve come tonight for my vinyl ‘Sussudio’”
“By accident somehow I left it in the old studio”
“If you don’t now return it, you’ll pay for your sin”
“When I’m the shaman of earth — I mean, the Doctor again!”

We were about to comply, and go back to bed,
When suddenly our room filled was with deep dread
Out from the shadows they stepped, a whole ninja crew
An evil Hand army, numbering about one hundred and two.

Todd sighed: “They did stuff to me up in that lab,”
“Sometimes I think I’d rather be dead on the slab,”
“But still I’m the best at what I do,” he cackled with glee,
Out popped razor-sharp claws: one, two — then three.

Then he said “bub,” and went straight to his work,
Murdering a score of ninja by going beserk
The Metropolis crew smiled at the rosy-cheeked killer
More living than Kirby, less crazy than Miller.

He made wholesale slaughter like a Soze named Kaiser
(His optic beams were kept checked by ruby quartz visor)
The sight of the Met-kitchen, so splattered with gore
Was better than the whole of Millar’s lame “Civil War”

“Are you retarded or something?” he shouted, irate
Said Todd to a ninja: “I’m Lubbock’s goddamn Mystery Date!”
“You don’t get it, boy,” yelled Todd, “I’m the Bigby of Fable”
“This isn’t a mudhole … it’s an operating table.”

He took bone from muscle — look, see it glisten!
“Something told me to stop with the leg. I don’t listen.”
Each evil ninja beheld this rising Dark Lord,
He cut men to pieces like Boy Blue’s vorpal sword.

At last he was done, and gave a great sigh,
One hundred two ninjas he’d sent to the sky.
(I wouldn’t dare to try besting such a soul of pure win,
For there are no Xavier Protocols for that Alex Ross chin!)

He slid on the Infinity Gauntlet, all covered with bling,
And was set to talk more, till Mother Box gave a “ping!”
It was Commissioner Gordon calling from Gotham Central Station:
“Jimmy Olsen is and always has been the Anti-Life Equation.”

So Todd, who’d returned from the dead more times than Osiris,
And kicked the whole ass of the Legacy Virus,
Just climbed up the chimney — then he screamed “KHAAAN!”
We were moved to a man by this Last Son of Krypton.

He sprang to his carrier, to his Guthries gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the magic of missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he boom-tubed from sight,
“Happy Toddmas to all, and to all a Dark Knight!”

THE MAJESTY OF THE LAW
A Metropolis Skit
By The Chief (Jason Rhode)

SANTA
Okay, Timmy, what do you want?

JIMMY
Jimmy, and I want a Pathfinder raygun and an XBox and Landwich and I want a TableSack Man and I want…

SANTA
Oh, Jimmy. I’m sorry. All you get is Down Syndrome.

JIMMY
But Santa, I don’t want Down Synndddoooaaaawwwwwoooo…..

SANTA
Ha, ha, ha, okay, Jimmy, no more school for you! A good boy gets his heart’s wish.

JIMMY
AWooowwwwww?

SANTA (to HELPER)
Take ‘em to the mineshaft like the rest.

HELPER
We got a fuckin’ truckload, boss. That whore with the whip says she’s getting scared of ‘em.

SANTA
Whore with the whip? Yeah, I don’t remember hiring your mother.

HELPER
Hey, fuck you!

SANTA
Fuck you, cocksucker!
(beat)
Hell, she’s got a taser, too, don’t she. Use that. Crank it up all the way, y’know? Their hides get thicker the dumber they get. I’m talkin’ extreme prejudice. One cracked egg doesn’t ruin the entire bunch. Tell ‘er to keep the storeroom tighter than she keeps her coozle, or I’m gonna fuck ‘er like a ten year-old girl — the bad kind of way. (scratching noise) Ahhhh, I gots mandatory retirement soon. Ahhhh who am I givin the kiddin’-stick to? Ahhh it’s me.

HELPER
The hell is that smell? Is this a burn ward?

SANTA
(to himself)
Not yet.

HELPER
What?

SANTA
I was just saying, I got too many debts with the Wink Police to pay off to quit and keep both of my bawlls.

HELPER
Rats! Sweet Gobad! You didn’t tell me about the RAAAAAATS … (voice trails off then disappears)

SANTA
Only the strong survive in this world, Jimmy. Lose an eye, go on. An’ for the ones that don’t make it out, I hain’t got much pity. Old Keymaster and his Voodoo’s gotta eat.

(RANDOM GUY comes from behind a potted plant)

RANDOM GUY
THIS? A SANTA THAT FUCKS LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS INTO RETARDS? WHAT THE SUGAR-HELL IS THIS?

SANTA
It’s a doozy, alright. Let the Elf explain it to you.

GUY
THERE’S NO ELF IN HERE! THERE’S NEVER BEEN AN ALELPH IN HERE! NO ONE BUT YOU, MISTER! JUSTICE! JUST US!

SANTA
I see you’ve taken the red pill. Well done, the elf-wives say. How about a do-over?

GUY
A do-over? There’s no do-over here. You’ve fed little children to the Dungeon Wampum!

SANTA
The Wampus, the Wampus — and he/she/it is in the basement penthouse. LEARN THE GATEKEEPER’S STORY BEFORE YOU MOCK HIS DOOR.

GUY
Okay.

SANTA
Fine. But the next step is the easiest.

GUY
IT BETTER BE — wait, Why are you flipping me off?

SANTA
No — I’m showing you the way. (deep voice) Extract this finger from its master. Gnaw it and swallow it down to that beast-pouch you call stomach. Sto-mak.

GUY
One and I’m explaining this to you once, this one’s name is Sir Tummers, sir. Two, cutting human flesh is never easy, even in Texas, even when you pay the bishop of the butter bustop. Even when they’ve told you in dreams.

SANTA
SOMEone forgot that they make a sauce for that. That sauce is called Vodka. It takes care of a lot of other problems, too.

GUY
Like Bobby said to Whitney, You really need to stop this.

SANTA
And like Hoover said to the Horse through the Window, Shan’t. (pause) Hey. Finger still attached. So why don’t you stop a’rebuttin’, and let them pinking shears get to a’cuttin’?
(sighs)
You want me to tell you a story?

GUY
I know the story you’re trying to tell. I tell it first: At breakfast time I was sitting by the house when the sky split in two. The split in the sky grew larger, and the entire Northern side was covered with fire. At that moment I became so hot that I couldn’t bear it, as if my shirt was on fire; from the northern side, where the fire was, came strong heat. I wanted to tear off my shirt and throw it down, but then the sky shut closed, and a strong thump sounded, and I was thrown a few yards. I lost my senses for a moment, but then my wife ran out and led me to the house. After that such noise came, as if rocks were falling or cannons were firing, the earth shook, and when I was on the ground, I pressed my head down, fearing rocks would smash it. When the sky opened up, hot wind raced between the houses, like from cannons, which left traces in the ground like pathways, and it damaged some crops. Later we saw that many windows were shattered, and in the barn a part of the iron lock snapped. I opened the barn. That’s where we found you.

SANTA
STOP READING.

GUY
Wait, wait, wait. I get it … this was an episode of Frasier. I’ve totally seen this before. God, I was so blind.

SANTA
Couldn’t it be a brain tumor?

GUY
Not with these hips.

SANTA
Let me tell you–

GUY
No. Don’t tell me. Not with THOSE hips.

SANTA
Bitch.

GUY
Okay, point. GO AHEAD. Since — apparently — we’re already watching “No-Prah.”

SANTA
(singing)
In this life, you must be
Giving fealty trustily
For every dog and pony show,
Pay to the Maestro.
PAY TO THE MAESTRO!
Beefalo, Buffalo!
Baffalo, Beefalo!
Three hundred million dead!
PAY TO THE MAESTRO!

GUY
WELCOME TO THE FUTURE I GUESS.