Metropolis

THE MAJESTY OF THE LAW
A Metropolis Skit
By The Chief (Jason Rhode)

SANTA
Okay, Timmy, what do you want?

JIMMY
Jimmy, and I want a Pathfinder raygun and an XBox and Landwich and I want a TableSack Man and I want…

SANTA
Oh, Jimmy. I’m sorry. All you get is Down Syndrome.

JIMMY
But Santa, I don’t want Down Synndddoooaaaawwwwwoooo…..

SANTA
Ha, ha, ha, okay, Jimmy, no more school for you! A good boy gets his heart’s wish.

JIMMY
AWooowwwwww?

SANTA (to HELPER)
Take ‘em to the mineshaft like the rest.

HELPER
We got a fuckin’ truckload, boss. That whore with the whip says she’s getting scared of ‘em.

SANTA
Whore with the whip? Yeah, I don’t remember hiring your mother.

HELPER
Hey, fuck you!

SANTA
Fuck you, cocksucker!
(beat)
Hell, she’s got a taser, too, don’t she. Use that. Crank it up all the way, y’know? Their hides get thicker the dumber they get. I’m talkin’ extreme prejudice. One cracked egg doesn’t ruin the entire bunch. Tell ‘er to keep the storeroom tighter than she keeps her coozle, or I’m gonna fuck ‘er like a ten year-old girl — the bad kind of way. (scratching noise) Ahhhh, I gots mandatory retirement soon. Ahhhh who am I givin the kiddin’-stick to? Ahhh it’s me.

HELPER
The hell is that smell? Is this a burn ward?

SANTA
(to himself)
Not yet.

HELPER
What?

SANTA
I was just saying, I got too many debts with the Wink Police to pay off to quit and keep both of my bawlls.

HELPER
Rats! Sweet Gobad! You didn’t tell me about the RAAAAAATS … (voice trails off then disappears)

SANTA
Only the strong survive in this world, Jimmy. Lose an eye, go on. An’ for the ones that don’t make it out, I hain’t got much pity. Old Keymaster and his Voodoo’s gotta eat.

(RANDOM GUY comes from behind a potted plant)

RANDOM GUY
THIS? A SANTA THAT FUCKS LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS INTO RETARDS? WHAT THE SUGAR-HELL IS THIS?

SANTA
It’s a doozy, alright. Let the Elf explain it to you.

GUY
THERE’S NO ELF IN HERE! THERE’S NEVER BEEN AN ALELPH IN HERE! NO ONE BUT YOU, MISTER! JUSTICE! JUST US!

SANTA
I see you’ve taken the red pill. Well done, the elf-wives say. How about a do-over?

GUY
A do-over? There’s no do-over here. You’ve fed little children to the Dungeon Wampum!

SANTA
The Wampus, the Wampus — and he/she/it is in the basement penthouse. LEARN THE GATEKEEPER’S STORY BEFORE YOU MOCK HIS DOOR.

GUY
Okay.

SANTA
Fine. But the next step is the easiest.

GUY
IT BETTER BE — wait, Why are you flipping me off?

SANTA
No — I’m showing you the way. (deep voice) Extract this finger from its master. Gnaw it and swallow it down to that beast-pouch you call stomach. Sto-mak.

GUY
One and I’m explaining this to you once, this one’s name is Sir Tummers, sir. Two, cutting human flesh is never easy, even in Texas, even when you pay the bishop of the butter bustop. Even when they’ve told you in dreams.

SANTA
SOMEone forgot that they make a sauce for that. That sauce is called Vodka. It takes care of a lot of other problems, too.

GUY
Like Bobby said to Whitney, You really need to stop this.

SANTA
And like Hoover said to the Horse through the Window, Shan’t. (pause) Hey. Finger still attached. So why don’t you stop a’rebuttin’, and let them pinking shears get to a’cuttin’?
(sighs)
You want me to tell you a story?

GUY
I know the story you’re trying to tell. I tell it first: At breakfast time I was sitting by the house when the sky split in two. The split in the sky grew larger, and the entire Northern side was covered with fire. At that moment I became so hot that I couldn’t bear it, as if my shirt was on fire; from the northern side, where the fire was, came strong heat. I wanted to tear off my shirt and throw it down, but then the sky shut closed, and a strong thump sounded, and I was thrown a few yards. I lost my senses for a moment, but then my wife ran out and led me to the house. After that such noise came, as if rocks were falling or cannons were firing, the earth shook, and when I was on the ground, I pressed my head down, fearing rocks would smash it. When the sky opened up, hot wind raced between the houses, like from cannons, which left traces in the ground like pathways, and it damaged some crops. Later we saw that many windows were shattered, and in the barn a part of the iron lock snapped. I opened the barn. That’s where we found you.

SANTA
STOP READING.

GUY
Wait, wait, wait. I get it … this was an episode of Frasier. I’ve totally seen this before. God, I was so blind.

SANTA
Couldn’t it be a brain tumor?

GUY
Not with these hips.

SANTA
Let me tell you–

GUY
No. Don’t tell me. Not with THOSE hips.

SANTA
Bitch.

GUY
Okay, point. GO AHEAD. Since — apparently — we’re already watching “No-Prah.”

SANTA
(singing)
In this life, you must be
Giving fealty trustily
For every dog and pony show,
Pay to the Maestro.
PAY TO THE MAESTRO!
Beefalo, Buffalo!
Baffalo, Beefalo!
Three hundred million dead!
PAY TO THE MAESTRO!

GUY
WELCOME TO THE FUTURE I GUESS.