“Ain’t It Cool”, Ain’t So Cool.
This is via, RevolutionSF, an online hub for everything scifi.
If you’ve ever been to the “Ain’t It Cool News” movie review section, yeah, it’s exactly like this.
Hopefully I can steer away from this kind of form review.
Write Your Own Aint It Cool News Movie Review!
© Joe Crowe
February 12, 2009
Watch any movie, fill in these convenient blanks, and create your very own movie review like Ain’t It Cool News.
For me to review [Name of movie in all caps], it is a bit of a conflict of interest, because of [weird connection with director].
I saw the movie tongight with [Name of friend no one else knows.], and we [ramble about what you did on the way to the movie]. As we waited on it to start, we talked about [foreign filmmaker] and his influence on [indie rock band].
I had two girls with me, [first name a porn actress would have], and [another name a porn actress would have]. And in fact, as I watched all I could think about was how the mvoie was like [critically acclaimed foreign film] had a baby with [Saturday morning cartoon].
Then the [crew member's job title] performed a masterpiece with [whatever equipment that person uses]] to [film school jargon] the [film school jargon]. That guy is such a [gross way to describe someone performing a sex act.]
In the hands of [famous easy target director], this movie would have been a bit like a piece of [sci-fi swear word].
But this is like [real swear word]ing [famous painter] doing his [famous painting]. It’s like [classical music composer] if he did the soundtrack to [sci-fi movie]. Its that good . . . . . . . . .
Look at the [film school jargon]. It’s [word only used in porn]. Its nothing if not like [poetry jargon] on celluloid, or Quentin Tarantino on [drug mentioned in rap song].
When [character in the movie]said [misquoted quote from movie], I wept like I did when I saw [movie no one should weep during].
[Too-personal nickname for director ] performs magic and I cant look away. He makes his actors [something you would see in porn] . . . . again . . . . . . . and again . . . . . . and again. . . until they [food related double entendre].
Remember in [obscure anime] when they [did something gross]. Combine that with [really good movie], but take out the [best part of that really good movie], and there you’ll have this movie in its quiet moments.
Just like in [1970s movie], or [1980s movie], or [Radiohead album] . . . . . . . . . . . the Grand Guignol is never muddled.
I hope [some other director's first name] can top this with [nonexistent superhero movie] . . . . that would connect with the audience like [movie that just came out last week].
Its not perfect . . . . . . .. it feels a bit rushed . . . . . . but its that familiarness with [word you might hear in a museum] that makes me manage to say this is the [crazy exaggeration] !!!!!!
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For me to review SATURDAY THE 14TH, it is a bit of a conflict of interest, because of my ill-fated parrot-barracuda cross-breeding venture with director Howard Cohen.
I saw the movie tongight with Jen, and we just barely got out of Madacasgar before they closed all the ports. I bought a copy of People on the way out and we discussed how unfortunate it was that people still care about Lindsay Lohan I chipped a tooth on a peanut, which was weird because I usually don’t eat peanuts. As we waited on it to start, we talked about Stanisaw Lew and his influence on TIlly and the Wall.
I had two girls with me, Chantelle, and Tina Blastcock. And in fact, as I watched all I could think about was how the mvoie was like the Decalogue had a baby with Galaxy High.
Then the key grip performed a masterpiece with electrical tape to actualize the mise-en-scene. That guy is such a ass-blasting fistjob.
In the hands of Tim Burton, this movie would have been a bit like a piece of shazbot.
But this is like dicking Van Gogh doing his “Starry Night.” It’s like John Gage if he did the soundtrack to Spaceballs. Its that good . . . . . . . . .
Look at the chiaroscuro. It’s fluffer. Its nothing if not like iambic pentameter on celluloid, or Quentin Tarantino on sizzurp.
When John said “Bitch, we’re out of peanut butter,” I wept like I did when I saw Jay & Silent Bob.
Howie Doodle performs magic and I cant look away. He makes his actors drown Asian grandmothers in ropes of mansauce . . . . again . . . . . . . and again . . . . . . and again. . . until they can’t order Ranch dressing ever again.
Remember in Crying Freeman when they frosted those cupcakes with penguin shit? Combine that with The Wrestler, but take out the deli scene, and there you’ll have this movie in its quiet moments.
Just like in Five Easy Pieces, or Heartbeeps, or Pablo Honey . . . . . . . . . . . the Grand Guignol is never muddled.
I hope Francis can top this with Ambush Bug . . . . that would connect with the audience like He’s Just Not That Into You.
Its not perfect . . . . . . .. it feels a bit rushed . . . . . . but its that familiarness with archaeology that makes me manage to say this is the bigger than Godzilla and twice as lucky with the ladies.